A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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Old is always fifteen years from now.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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