More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
