If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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