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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
