More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
