My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

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