I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

---

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

---

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

---

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

---

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

---

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

---

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

---

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

---

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

---

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

---