I believe I can even yet remember when I saw the stars for the first time. - Max Muller

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!- Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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The first thing I did as a child was draw. I wanted to make animated movies. I think Disney's 'Cinderella' was the first movie I ever saw. 'Peter Pan' was the first movie I ever saw in the movie theater. I grew up with 'Dumbo' and 'Pinocchio' and 'Sword in the Stone.' Those were the movies I wanted to make. - Damien Chazelle

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I went to the zoo once and saw this thing they call an anteater. That was quite enough for me.

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