You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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I have had lobbyists, and I have had some very good ones. They could do anything.- Donald Trump

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If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.

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Don’t think anything is unrealistic if you believe you can do it. — Mike Ditka

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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People who try hard to do the right thing always seem mad.

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We gotta break these double-standards and get women to loosen up a bit. We gotta show them that we can do what we want to do how we want to do it. If someone doesn't like it, they can get to stepping. Megan Thee Stallion

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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I've always been mad about cats.

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