My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

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This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

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