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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
