The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

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There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely.

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You learn something out of everything, and you come to realize more than ever that we’re all here for a certain space of time, and, and then it’s going to be over, and you better make this count. — Nancy Reagan

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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When a child wants to be accepted, he'll do anything. And if it means you're getting a certain amount of notoriety from a fight, that's what you'll do.

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