I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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Separation isnt time or distance its the bridge between us finer than silk thread sharper than swords

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin

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The press is owned by wealthy men who only want certain things to reach the public.

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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When a child wants to be accepted, he'll do anything. And if it means you're getting a certain amount of notoriety from a fight, that's what you'll do.

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An Immense hatred keeps me alive... i would live for a thousand years if i were certain of seeing the whole world croak.

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