I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

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Just put one foot in front of the other. — Austin Peck

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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