The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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I've heard that, but since I'm computer illiterate I don't know how it all works. But since I'm on Prodigy tonight, I'm learning a lot through my typist, Peter. - Bobby Sherman

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin

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I have drunken deep of joy And I will taste no other wine tonight.― Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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