The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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If you walk through life and don't help anybody, you haven't had much of a life. ― Fred Hampton

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. — Denis Waitley

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One of my mother’s favorite sayings was “Don’t let anybody tell you who you are. You tell them who you are. ― Kamala Harris

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I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think.

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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