The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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The longest way must have its close - the gloomiest gloomiest will wear on to a morning.― Harriet Beecher Stowe, Uncle Tom’s Cabin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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