Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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The longest way must have its close - the gloomiest gloomiest will wear on to a morning.― Harriet Beecher Stowe, Uncle Tom’s Cabin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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Time is the longest distance between two places. ― Tennessee Williams

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