Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.

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A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

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Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

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A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

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The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

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Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

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I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole." ― Robin Williams

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