I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ― Steven Wright

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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. ― Steven Wright

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. ― Steven Wright

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. ― steven wright

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? ― Steven Wright

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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. ― Steven Wright

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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. ― Steven Wright

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. ― Steven Wright

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. ― Steven Wright

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