If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ― Steven Wright

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There's magic in the water that draws all men away form the land, that leads them over hills, down creeks and streams and rivers to the sea.

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ― Steven Wright

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ― Steven Wright

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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. ― Steven Wright

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. ― Steven Wright

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? ― Steven Wright

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. ― steven wright

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ― Steven Wright

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