Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

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Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

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Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

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To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

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Life is improvisation.

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Whatever the problem - be part of the solution

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Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

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Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

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If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

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Everybody kind of gets to be the person they didn't get to be.

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