If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

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You've got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

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Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

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Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

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Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

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This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

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Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

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Just say yes and you'll figure it out afterwards.

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Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

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Everybody kind of gets to be the person they didn't get to be.

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